Efforts of the Heart and Mind
by resplandorrosa626
Summary: They knew they had been through a lot, they knew they were damaged, they knew the past couldn't be changed, they knew it was hard to move on, they knew they were all the family they had left, they didn't know if they were gonna be okay...And yet they still tried. (Trigger Warning: Mentions of panic attacks, mental health, heart disease, depression, medication, and emotional abuse.)


With a gasp, he woke up in a cold sweat.

After a couple of quick, short breaths, Ryou tried to relax his gaze.

He blinked as he realized his right hand as reaching out, his arm stretched as far as physically possible.

For a second he wondered why this was happening, however, his nightmare came flashing back into his mind and the answer was clear as day. His throat suddenly felt filled with dread, his stomach twisted, and his neck suddenly burned. He can feel it coming, his breath got shaky, his pulse more likely quickened, and he is feeling how his hands start to tingle.

But instead of allowing himself to have a panic attack, the young man closed his dark teal eyes and slowly brought his hand back down until it rested over his bed just like the rest of his body.

_What's your name?, _His own voice echoed in his head. It's not the only sound traveling through his mind, but he tries to focus on it.

"Ryou Marufuji."-He softly mumbled, barely any movement had gone through his features as he spoke.

_Where are you right now?, _The next question crossed his mind and he swallowed hard before answering.

"In my room."-This answer was still fairly inaudible but somehow louder than the last one.

_What do you see?, _It took him a couple of seconds to open his eyes in order to be able of answering that question.

"The ceiling..."-Then he blinked and fixed his gaze somewhere else.

"A plant...A chair with a jacket hanging on it...A semi-open drawer...An...Empty glass of water..."-Ryou took another deep breath and blinked again.

He's not really thirsty...But going back to bed is probably the last thing he wants to do right now.

The journey to get out of his room is far more dramatic than it should have been, but that's because he is trying his damned best to be silent. Not because he doesn't desire to disrupt anyone's sleep, but mainly because needs something to focus on, he just needs to get everything off his mind and focus on something meaningless.

Going through the kitchen to get a glass of water should be meaningless enough.

"Is everything okay?"-

Or at least it _would _be meaningless if it wasn't for the sole fact that Ryou didn't exactly lived alone.

"Yeah...Just gonna get some water."-He didn't even turned to make eye contact and just walked towards the sink. Part of him focused on getting his drink, the other part just waiting for Shou to fuss over his why he is doing something like he always does.

But nothing.

Not a single question to make sure Ryou was not dying again.

Well, that's definitely an obvious sign that told him his brother was not okay. Although, the young duelist decided to not press into the issue, he knows him too well to know doing that will only cause him to get angry at himself for being so easy to read.

Ryou did however turned his head a bit when he noticed a particular sound coming out of a kettle placed on the stove.

Instead of asking his brother why would he be making tea at three in the morning, knowing the already part of the answer is because he is not feeling well. His dark teal gaze just turned and looked at the kitchen table. Then repressed a heavy sigh as he saw his brother sitting in front of a mountain of papers.

Yup, something was wrong.

"What's all this?"-Ryou crossed his arms and reclined against the sink.

"I couldn't sleep so I thought some work would distract me."-Shou merely looked up before going back to reading one of the many documents sitting in the table.

"You mean some of _my_ work."-He ached an eyebrow and slightly smiled when he noticed his brother's shoulders tensed up a bit after remarking that as Shou's manager and the adult here, this whole bureaucratic nightmare was supposed to be his responsibility.

Shou looked away and pretended he was still reading.

"I...I'm just filling some applications for the tournaments we already agreed on, nothing too serious."-He sighed.-"I just...Needed something to do."-

Ryou blinked, then sighed as well.

The more he considered it, the more he couldn't deny that it was sort of nice to know he wasn't the only one feeling like shit tonight, but it also stung that his brother was dealing with something too.

"Did you take your medicine?"-The older brother dropped the question so casually, it was obvious he has asked it a lot more in the past.

In a morbid way, it was also nice to have an equal right to boss his brother around about his health the same way he did for him. Although it was different, because while Ryou's issues revolve around the physical health he ruined for being so stupid, it turns out that Shou had been struggling with his mental health for quite a while.

"Yes."-Shou answered a bit too quickly.-"...No?...I think I did...Ugh, what's the point of it, anyways?"-

Ryou dropped his glass on the counter and instead decided to get a couple of mugs from the cabinets near him, and grabbed two bags out of the tea box next to the stove.

"I believe the point of anti-depressants is to not be depressed."-Even if there wasn't any effort present in his voice, the young duelist did his damn best to sound relaxed as he answered a question that didn't really demanded an answer.-"But I'm not a doctor, so what do I know?"-

The younger brother groaned and after dropping his pen, he placed his hands in front of his face. He knew how damaging it was to not take his medication, but...Sometimes it's just hard, especially now.

"It's not that I don't want to take them it's just..."-He interrupted himself, not sure if his brother would like to hear what had happened to him.-"...I'm sorry."-

Ryou didn't responded, instead he just put some hot water on each of the mugs.

"God, I'm such a whin-"-

"_Shou._"-

The young bluenette clammed up.

_Right...No self-deprecation allowed in this house._

So, after his brother killed his attempt to insult himself and shot down his self-esteem, Shou just sighed again, rested his head on one hand and fixed his gaze back to the papers once again.

His other hand found its way back to the pen it was previously holding, before he could even realize it; his fingers were already fidgeting with it. And when he did realized it, he sighed.

"How much sugar do you like on your tea?"-

"...Hmm...Just a little bit."-He mumbled, not even turning his gaze to look at his brother getting busy in the kitchen.

"Well let's see...There's not a utensil that says 'Just a little bit', so I guess will have to improvise."-The rarest hint of humor was present on Ryou's voice.

That was just...Terrible.

Like a small piece of the world's sense of humor disappeared...And it would never be brought back.

And yet it managed to curl Shou's lips into the tiniest of smiles.

That was certainly an strange occurrence.

Shou could count with one hand all the times he had heard his older brother trying to be funny and still have a few fingers left. It was such a rare thing to happen that spoke volumes of how much effort he was putting into cheering someone up.

Something so special that he can only speculate that other people who _maybe_ experienced such an odd experience at least once once may have just been Fubuki or even Asuka.

"Thanks."-He mumbled, just a bit louder to make sure his brother heard it, clearly not only being grateful for the tea.

He heard a hum of acknowledgment right before a mug was placed in front of him, and hearing one of the chairs being moved next to his.

"Give me the ones I need to fill."-Ryou didn't even made eye contact, he just grabbed another pen and waited for his brother to place the papers in front of him.

And Shou did just that, he grabbed the documents where he already filled his part, but still needed Ryou's information to be complete. Then he grabbed his mug and blew a tiny breeze of air at the liquid inside.

"It's not really that hot after I put milk in it."-Ryou commented as he started to write.

The youngest of the brothers blinked.

"Milk?"-

"Yeah, I thought it would help you calm down and eventually tire you up."-The young man with dark teal hair answered nonchalantly, clearly not realizing about his mistake.-"Is there something wrong?"-

Yeah, there was.

Shou hated milk.

It tasted bitter, it felt gross, and it made him feel sick.

Basically everyone who he has met knew that peculiar thing about him.

"Huh? No, it's just I never thought of it."-He smiled and drank a sip of the tea his brother prepared for him.-"It's good."-He partially lied. While it still tasted like delicious tea and the warmth felt sort of comforting, he could feel his body shiver at the sensation of what he was ingesting.

Not to mention his stomach was practically screaming bloody murder, but he disguised it with a tired smile.

"Hey, Shou?"-He had to interrupt his internal pain in order to pay attention to Ryou.

"Hm?"-

"Did you made a mistake on this one?"-

The bluenette tilted his head to see the question his brother was pointing at and then read it carefully.

"No."-He answered as if it was obvious that he didn't commit any errors on his own date of birth.

"But..."-Ryou's voice suddenly dropped a bit lower.-"But this was last week."-

"Yeah."-Shou nodded with an incredulous expression.-"I'm nineteen now, remember?"-

Ryou didn't answered for a good ten seconds before deciding to speak again.

"Why didn't you said anything?"-He tried to sound relaxed but for the first time in his life he was doing an awful job at it.

His younger brother shrugged.

As if it wasn't important at all.

"I thought you already knew."-he answered a bit too casually for his big brother's taste.-"Besides, we haven't celebrated each other's birthdays in years. It's no big deal."-

_But it as a big deal._

_At least...It was for Ryou._

He was never particularly emotional but he's been trying his damn best to fix the mistakes he had committed in the past, and finally value what he has. And it's not like throwing a big party for Shou's birthday would be a cope out to prove others that he finally cares and make himself feel better for being such an asshole in the past, he didn't wanted to look at this that way.

But it would still be a huge milestone for them, to treasure all those simple things normal families get to enjoy on a daily basis.

It would...It would just be special.

It would be the his first birthday since they decided to live together, the first birthday they even get to spend together now that school is out of the way...And the first birthday Shou has when he and Ryou are actively trying move on from the past together.

And it would be the first...

Wait...

If his birthday was last week then...

Oh.

Ryou was finally starting to understand what was keeping his brother awake tonight.

"They called you, didn't they?"-He asked, the sound of the scribbling stopping said it all.

Shou stood frozen for a while, his grip on the pen tightened and his throat suddenly felt stuck.

After what felt like a minute to them, Shou took a deep breath, looked down, and nodded. All of this while avoiding looking at his older brother.

"T-they...Um...They left a voicemail and I...I just kept it there for a whole week..."-He mumbled, as ashamed as a little kid getting caught for doing something wrong would be.-"...I should have deleted it."-

His voice clearly cracked at the last sentence.

"I just...I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...Why would I even think they would change?"-He took his hands to his hair, gripping on it as if he needed to distract his pain with actual physical pain.

Ryou didn't looked at his brother, but instinctively gripped his own arms, as if it was his way to stop himself from physically comforting him.

Honestly, he only knew bits and pieces about what went on with Shou and their parents last time they decided to visit them but he can tell it was a mess.

And it's surprisingly a mess he isn't really involved on despite being the eldest Marufuji child...But Shou said it himself, he wishes he was ignored by their parents as Ryou currently was.

...And in all honesty, he can't really tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

Because since he lacks knowledge of the whole story, the only role he feels he has to play in the current family drama is that of the reason it's happening in the first place.

Sometimes he would like to believe that there's a possibility that this could either be his fault or he could just be lucky he has nothing to do with it.

But after putting all the proof together: Like that one time his mother called and Shou got so furious he ended throwing his phone against the wall, Shou's rant that got his father kicked out of the hospital room after he said something among the lines of Ryou deserving his illness, how Shou would force his parents out whenever they visited him for bringing up Hell Kaiser every five minutes, and how he was apparently given an ultimatum of choosing between his parents or his older brother...It's safe to assume Ryou has a part to play on Shou's sudden hate for their own parents.

Loyalty was an admirable trait that Shou has been demonstrating ever since he was a child, it was something he was born with and had only gotten stronger thanks to Juudai's unconditional support and, like many of Shou's issues, it was also made stronger thanks to Ryou's incredibly unhealthy method of tough love.

He could tell it was in the sense that Shou had unconsciously learned how to be apathetic like Ryou, however, he only used it when he needed it.

It was pretty obvious after considering the cold stares and angry growls Shou would give to their parents whenever they attempt to guilt-trip them for every single one of their life choices.

And while part of Ryou felt a warm wave of pride for seeing how his brother would stick with him through what had been the scariest moments for both of them...He was still unsure of whether it was a good or a bad thing that Shou was so stubborn on standing by his older brother, because if it wasn't for Ryou's influence...Shou would probably still have a good relationship with their parents, maybe he wouldn't be hurting so much right now.

_Good job, you jackass._

_Almost a two years of trying to be a normal family and you still keep fucking him over._

_Why don't you convince him to blame his pain on himself for not being good enough again like the emotional manipulator you are, huh?_

...

What?

Shou is the one dealing with depression, he is the one not allowed to self-deprecate.

"I don't know how but they found out I'm going to therapy..."-Shou's muffed speech brought him back to reality.-"A-and instead of asking what's wrong or how long I've been messed up, they basically told me "You got nothing to be depressed about! You are exaggerating! Hurry up and go back to normal!" I-I...Seriously?!"-

Ryou's nails started to sink into his own palms.

And yet, he remained silent.

Mainly because he knew the consequences he'd had to face if he succumbed to his own anger, so he did his damn best to calm down and keep his blood pressure stable.

However, as much as he wanted his little brother to let out everything he was holding in, all of this was probably going to cause Ryou's ICD to activate in the next five minutes.

"A-and how they talked about our-God! They made us sound like we are some kind of addicts!"-Shou's scream was clearly charged with both anger and hurting.-"I'm sorry Mom! But since my stupid brain doesn't produce the necessary chemicals I need to stay sane, I need to go get them at the damn store! Apparently it's not bad enough that they don't care if your heart or my head became freaking time-bombs! Because us being responsible about our treatments is somehow wrong in their eyes!"-

Ryou just can't understand it...

Growing up Shou was always the baby of the family, the one child their parents would look at and think "This is a defenseless thing...We need to protect it." every single day.

And yet...To say all of these things.

Sure, Ryou doesn't really care if they are antagonistic towards him, he brought it up on himself when he became a monster, but his little brother...

He is just not to blame for any of this.

"And the worst thing is..."-Shou laughed tiredly, provoking Ryou to turn off his thoughts once again.-"They are expecting me to apologize...They say that I can go back any day if I just apologize to them...That if I want to be forgiven for being such an awful son...All I need to do is to apologize for choosing you instead of them."-

He was going to remain quiet, but after hearing his brother taking off his glasses and seeing him rub his eyes, he decided to try and comfort him.

"And...How is the apology coming around?"-

Shou snapped his gaze back up and looked at his brother, a dumbfounded expression adorned his features.

After a good ten seconds of staying in complete and utter shock, the young duelist with light blue hair breathed out with a content hum.

"I think my choice of words might just be a bit too ambitious."-He smiles slightly.-"I'm thinking something like 'I'm sorry you ditched my brother to die and then behaved like complete assholes afterwards. P.S. Trying to guilt tripping me and then forcing me to choose between you and my other loved ones isn't a family thing, it's a hostage situation.'...What do you think? Too much?"-

"At least it's honest."-The man with dark teal hair shrugged slightly after he showed a mocking smile. He was starting to think that even if he does feel like a shitty person for his former actions, his parents are probably not all that better after all.

Shou couldn't help but to breathe out a tiny laugh, which turns into a long sigh later on.

"I blocked them...Their numbers, I mean."-He mumbled as he leaned back on the chair and looked at nothing with sadness.-"I just...I just can't with them anymore. I...I'm just so...So tired."-

"It's fine..."-Ryou talked without thinking, he wasn't sure if he meant it but he just felt like he needed to say something.-"You don't have to forgive them now..."-

Was that really what he wanted to say?

To be honest he wasn't sure anymore.

"If I'm completely honest, I don't think I ever will."-These words left his mouth on their own accord, and while Shou didn't seemed faced in the slightest for that affirmation, he did noticed his own body tense up a bit. But he wasn't entirely sure of what it meant.

"Well..."-Ryou took a small breath before continuing.-"If you forgave _me_ then-"-

"That was different."-His little brother interrupted him, then fixed his gaze down so he wouldn't have to make eye contact.

Yeah, it was different.

Because what went down between them was far worse.

"Shou, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but you actually forgive people way too easily...And if you managed to actually forgive me despite everything I did...Mother and Father won't be any different then."-Ryou also turned his gaze to the side to avoid looking at his brother.

Again, the young boy with light blue hair breathed out a tiny laugh.

"Is that what you think?"-His voice sounded so tired.-"Well, this might surprise you but I actually forgave you like five months ago."-

"What?"-The older brother actually raised his voice, not believing what he had heard.

"Yup...Sorry it took that long, it's just...It kept hurting a lot for a long time...A-and...It took me a long time to forgive you because I needed to see that you could change first...And you did."-He mumbled.-"You actually started to be better."-

"But if you hadn't forgiven me then why-"-

"Are you seriously about to ask why I stood by your side during your recovery?"-

Ryou closed his mouth.

"You had eight heart surgeries in less than a year, I wasn't going to leave you."-He said it so casually as if it was incredibly obvious.-"I hadn't completely forgotten everything that happened but...I just couldn't stand there and let you die. And...Well, telling you how I felt would have probably stressed you out so I...Didn't...I still gave you one last chance to prove yourself...I just never told you."-

Both brothers stood quiet for a while after that confession.

"Huh...It kinda sounds more like some sick mind game now that I say it out loud."-Shou sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.-"I'm sorry..."-

"Well, I'm not one to talk in that case..."-Ryou also sighed but slightly smiled.-"Because shaming you for making one mistake when you were just a kid, shutting you out, belittling anything you'd do, and then twisting everything so you would blame yourself for years was also a bit of a twisted mind game."-

"...I guess."-Shou had to give out a long sigh.

Yeah, when he put it that way...It was definitely more fucked up than he formerly thought.  
.

.

.  
"So...What was it that made you finally forgive me?"-

Shou actually turned his head to face his brother.

His face showing a weak smile.

"Remember our first tag team tournament at the pro leagues?"-He asked, Ryou nodded slowly.

This was interesting.

Because as far as he can remember, nothing out of the ordinary happened that day.

Sure, they had signed up together as an official team for the first time after being on the pro leagues for a while individually, but it wasn't as if they hadn't practiced together for months before deciding to test their teamwork.

They participated, each gave out a brief interview, shook some hands, and then went to eat out.

It's basically a routine for them ever since they entered the pro-leagues, tag team or not.

Sure, they went out with a few friends and had a really good time but there wasn't any meaningful conversation that night.

Did it had anything to with Fubuki asking them to pose for a picture of them hugging each other with one arm?

"Well..."-Shou seemed to be aware that nothing truly life-changing had happened that day.-"After I took a shower, I was drying my hair, then I looked at myself at the mirror and...I didn't realized that I had forgotten about the scars on my neck for a while."-

As if it was a reflex, Ryou couldn't stop his eyes from gazing straight to Shou's neck, obviously covered by a turtleneck as usual.

He can't recall the last time he saw his brother wearing something that let his neck uncovered but he had seen it before.

Shou had two sets of scars on his neck.

One are the bite marks Camula had left after sinking her fangs on him to drink his blood.

And the others...They were burns.

From the time they dueled at the academy.

...From the time Ryou would find amusement in torturing and humiliating his opponents...Even his own little brother.

Not even the many scars he had on his own neck stung nearly as much as the ones he knew he had left on him.

"I stared at them for a while and...Well, I know it sounds weird but...They just don't make me sad anymore...I'm okay with them."-Shou shrugged and kept his weak smile.-"And after I thought about it...Being with you doesn't make me sad anymore either...It has the opposite effect, actually...And well...I realized that I had forgiven you."-

"...I see."-

Ryou didn't even made an effort to hide the fact he was smiling.

It's like a huge weight had been lifted off of him and he didn't even knew it was there before.

"...Look, I know you feel uncomfortable when we get weird like this but..."-Shou's cheek suddenly tingled with the faintest hint of red, and he started scratching the back of his head once again.-"But I'm...I'm glad that you...Uh..._That we_...Um...I'm just glad everything's better now."-

This time Ryou looked at him, showing him that he was smiling did helped him to seem less embarrassed.

"Me too."-He said softly, feeling content.

Ryou knew he couldn't change the past, but he also knew that he could make something better of the present, he is just glad he had the chance to do so.

"_Man,_ that was awkward."-Shou exhaled and then his face flushed even more.-"S-sorry I put you through that kind of talk."-

The older brother laughed under his breath.

"It's fine, Shou."-He reassured him, not wanting to allow his brother make himself feel inadequate ever again.-"I interact with Fubuki on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty resilient to feelings, drama, and affection by now."-

It was nice to see that this small reminder somehow provoked Shou to snort a little.

And after his laugh, Shou took a deep breath.

He smiled and leaned back on his chair once again, he would be fine on not saying anything else for the rest of the night and just kind of enjoying the sudden peace their talk had brought him.

However, something had just popped up in his mind and his curiosity got the best of him.

"So, does that mean Fubuki has finally asked you out?"-

Out of the many reactions he had imagined, he hadn't expected Ryou to snort at that.

"No."-The man with dark teal eyes laughed and then turned to face his little brother.-"Has _Juudai_ asked you?"-

Even if his whole face went red, and his heart suddenly skipped a beat, the boy with gray eyes couldn't help but to laugh as well.

Maybe he laughed because of the embarrassment he felt after being stricken with such a good comeback, or maybe because he was also stricken with an interesting realization.

"No."-He breathed out with a tiny laugh.-"But come to think of it...Don't you think it's weird that both of us have a thing for cheerful brunettes with brown eyes?"-

Ryou's laughter died so abruptly, his shock was obvious.

"...Huh."-

Well, that revelation isn't going to let him sleep for a while, that's for sure.

The End.

**Um...Hello, I hope you enjoyed this story, I...Am sort of new when it come to writing these characters so I hope I did a passable job and well, please review if you feel like I did...Or not, you can tell me what I did wrong too if you want.**

**Well, this story is dedicated to a few friends who actually inspired me to write this for them. They are big fans and such a big inspiration for me, I just wanted to let them know how they kinda helped me in a moment where I felt all my inspiration had drained.**

**Hopefully I will write something else with these characters some other time, but for now I hope this is okay.**

**Thank you!**


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